This is the exact amount of time you should spend on foreplay

Imagine you’re out for dinner, and the waiter brings over your main course when you’re barely halfway through your starter.

It’s natural you might feel a bit peeved, as if you’re being rushed onto the next thing before getting a chance to properly enjoy what’s in front of you.

On the other hand, a drawn-out wait after finishing your appetiser can mean you’re no longer in the mood for the second dish by the time it does arrive.

Foreplay is a lot like restaurant hospitality in this respect — get those timings wrong and the whole experience goes from perfectly-paced to outright anticlimactic (literally or otherwise).

But it’s a fine art, and since each person’s preference can vary, it’s sensible to default to the sexual set menu unless they tell you they’d rather go a la carte.

Essentially, if you’re not spending at least this long on foreplay as standard, don’t expect five star reviews any time soon.

How long should you spend on foreplay?

‘There’s a huge orgasm gap between men and women,’ Gemma Nice, ACHP certified sex and relationship coach, tells Metro. ‘Men can usually climax in around 5-7 minutes, whereas it typically takes a female anywhere between 20-30 minutes.’

As such, the Superdrug Online Doctor expert puts the ideal timeframe for a heterosexual couple somewhere in the middle — around 15 to 20 minutes — to allows the woman to ‘get her natural lubrication flowing and become aroused in a deeper state.’

Taking your time here doesn’t just benefit one gender though.

‘The longer you’re engaged in foreplay, the more aroused and relaxed the body will be,’ Gemma explains.

‘When your body is in a state of calm, the blood can then flow from the heart, lungs and brain and move down to the genitals, allowing the 10,000+ nerve endings there to be activated. This can then give a better overall sexual satisfaction to both partners.’

When it comes to the psychological element, adequate foreplay increases your connection as a couple, and helps ‘reduce stress and tension within the relationship’ — in part because of the hormones released during arousal and orgasm, but also because you’re making the effort to meet your partner’s needs.

Dr Mindy DeSeta, PhD, certified sexologist and sexuality educator at Hily Dating App agrees with this, telling Metro: ‘It’s the time when a couple slows down and helps each other feel desired, aroused, and genuinely craving connection.

‘That buildup strengthens intimacy with your partner, making sex more pleasurable and less performative.’

When preferences don’t align

While the above provides a good baseline, some people wish foreplay could last forever while others are ready to get straight down to penetration long before that 15-minute timer goes off.

‘If one partner prefers shorter foreplay, it doesn’t automatically mean they are selfish or disconnected,’ says Dr DeSeta. ‘It may mean they have spontaneous desire, and get turned on more quickly, mentally and physically.’

Alternatively, a partner preferring longer foreplay may be because they have responsive desire, where ‘their arousal builds after foreplay begins.’

The tricky part is working out where on the spectrum your partner sits compared to you, given nearly a quarter (23%) of people never offer sexual feedback and 14% are uncomfortable expressing their desires, according to a Superdrug Online Doctor survey.

To start a discussion about what you both like, Gemma advises waiting until you’re out of the bedroom, ‘as it removes pressure and creates space for honesty.’

‘Talk openly about what you enjoy, how you like to be touched, and what you want more of, using “I” statements to avoid blame,’ she continues. ‘Put devices away, listen fully, and stay present.’

In terms of what to do if your desires aren’t aligned, Dr DeSeta warns: ‘The fix isn’t to force a compromise that leaves one person feeling frustrated. Try treating foreplay like a menu. Learn what each person needs to become mentally checked into the moment and physically aroused, then mix and match what works for both people.’

Gemma also recommends giving techniques like edging – where you build arousal, pause, then return – or breathwork such as the 4-7-8 method, a go together, or ‘alternating nights where one partner gives and the other receives.’

‘Ultimately, great sex comes down to openness, trust, and honest communication,’ she adds. ‘Because communication really is lubrication.’

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