Lisa was reticent about dating Matt* when she got together with him in her early twenties. She found him brash, but as they’d known each other since their teens and mutual friends were desperate for them to get together, she decided to give him a chance.
‘I had been single for a really long time and my friends wanted me to give it a try, so I thought – what’s the worst thing that could happen?’ Lisa, who is going by a pseudonym, remembers.
However, Matt was terrible from the beginning; rude, unkind and defensive – but never having had a good relationship, Lisa was unaware just how poorly he was treating her.
‘In the beginning, he gave me a sense of security. But he very soon turned obsessive,’ she tells Metro. ‘My best friend complained that he would snap at me whenever he got angry.’
He was also controlling; insisting Lisa be at his side all the time.
‘He smoked and I didn’t, but I would have to stand outside with him every time he had a cigarette because he hated being alone. If I was looking at my phone or texting someone, and my attention wasn’t on him, he would put the cigarette out on me. If I wiped the ember off too quickly, I would get in trouble,’ she remembers.
‘It wasn’t a nice feeling. But you can yell at me all you like and I won’t yell back. I just go dead behind the eyes. I think he enjoyed that because I didn’t fight back.’
His aim, Lisa believes, was to ‘bring me as low as possible, so I wouldn’t think about leaving.’
It worked for a while, but after a year, Lisa found the strength to tell him it was over. Because Matt lived in a different town, she thought she was finally safe – but she couldn’t have been more wrong.
Instead, the abuse started to spiral and Matt launched a terrifying campaign of control and revenge that included stalking Lisa and her loved ones and submitting her to terrifying, violent attacks.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.
With the help of our partners at Women's Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.
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‘The day we split, I was on my way to work with my cousin, and Matt sent me a text message showing a picture of us walking to the train station. He said: “You’re out with other guys now? Is that how you want to treat me?”,’ she remembers.
‘It was chilling. I was freaked out because he lived hours away. But I ignored it. Thinking he was just trying to get into my head, that he’ll give up soon.
‘But It never stopped. It got worse. He stalked me, threatened me, threatened my family, found out their addresses. He had people watch me as I went inside and outside my home. It was crazy, terrifying.’
Lisa ended up severely depressed and with thoughts of ending her own life.
‘Being in such a high risk and high stress situation caused me to have suicidal thoughts, which took its toll. I knew deep down I didn’t want to die – I wanted to grow old and make memories with my loved ones – but I felt like I didn’t have other options,’ she admits. ‘I felt trapped and my life wasn’t worth living anymore.’
Matt would bombard Lisa with texts and messages on social media, saying he would send out intimate pictures of her if she didn’t get back with him. ‘He kicked in my door and threatened to assault my family members in front of me. He threatened to slit my throat.’
Lisa contacted the police on multiple occasions and received a very mixed reaction. One call handler suggested she get back with him, appease him, telling her it didn’t sound like there was a real reason for concern.
‘That felt totally demeaning and it made me feel like I was crazy, that I was somehow in the wrong,’ she recalls. ‘Another police officer told me: “maybe you should get plastic surgery to change how you look so he won’t target you” and “maybe you shouldn’t use your name in public”. I was told not to post on social media, while the person in charge of my case told me no to go anywhere near where he lives.’
Lisa started to believe she wouldn’t get the help she so desperately needed and felt terrified for her safety.
But worse was to come. A couple of months after splitting up, Matt saw her with male friends and he turned up at her home, forcing his way through the front door in rage.
‘He didn’t say anything; he looked at me, pulled me into my bedroom.’
She begged him not to hurt her, using any line that she could think of.
‘I was saying, please, I don’t want my family to see me with bruises. Don’t. Please. This needs to stop.’
Matt beat Lisa so badly there were blood splatters on her bedroom wall. The last thing she remembers before she passed out was that she was resigned to death. She woke later in hospital with a broken arm, jaw and eye socket.
After another report, two police officers came to see her in hospital.
‘I remember one looked through my notes and joked: “You’re tougher than me. I would have just got back with him”, and started laughing. I couldn’t believe it.
‘It made me feel like I was a kid being made to atone for someone else’s mistakes. I didn’t want to be told I was strong. I felt weak and powerless.’
It wasn’t until her fifth call that Lisa that police officers signposted her to Women’s Aid and Refuge and she went into hiding.
Intending to press charges, Lisa had collected so much evidence, text, messages, picture and video that her phone had filled up and she needed a new one. It was then that the penny dropped; Matt had installed malware on her phone so he could keep tabs on her and her relatives.
She abandoned that phone, moved out of her flat with a small bag of belongings into a shelter provided by Refuge where she stayed for four months.
‘In the refuge, I was lonely but surrounded by others who went through similar experiences, and by people who did everything they could to make sure I felt safe. It was hard, but I could talk about my experience and be heard, comforted even, by professionals. For me living in the refuge gave me space to breathe. My support worker helped to deal with my issues that would’ve caused me to shut down. I’m thankful for everything they did.’
Six months after the brutal attack, which took place five years ago, Matt was sent to prison. Yet, even then Lisa wasn’t safe.
‘While he was inside, he wrote me letters telling me how much he loved me, how sorry he was, how if I had just listened to him, none of it would have happened.
‘I was told he’d get three years. He was out in less than one.’
The day Lisa left the shelter, she heard that Matt had been released. Beside herself with terror, she moved far away and cut all ties with her old friends. She changed her phone number, left no forwarding address with the authorities and now lives in constant fear.
She is afraid to leave the house without her mum and no longer has any friends for fear they will post something on social media which will enable Matt to find her.
‘Everywhere I go, I have safety plans and an escape route,’ Lisa explains. ‘My mum and I have talked about funeral arrangements for me if he succeeds in ending my life.’
Lisa has had every type of therapy available to recover from the trauma and, following the attack, is registered disabled and unable to work. She is angry that she was so let down by the services that were supposed to keep her safe.
‘At the refuge I heard stories from so many women feeling that there was no help. That they contacted the police and were let down again and again. I am safe now but my version of safe is someone else’s version of a nightmare.’ Metro contacted the forces involved but did not receive a response.
‘I am hyper vigilant and feel like I am in danger all the time. I have three locks on my door and I carry every legal self defence device with me that I can,’ she says.
‘At times, I can’t even go near my front door without having a panic attack and I call my mum in the middle of the night unable to breathe.
For a long time I felt like the world was caving in. He was the one that got the jail sentence but I’m the one living in a prison.
‘But I have to be okay with that – because this is my normal now.’
