Interacting with a colleague or meeting a mutual friend at a party, you wonder: ‘Do they like me?’ And you’re secretly hoping the answer is yes.
This might seem like a harmless internal thought, because everyone likes to make a strong first impression, right? Wrong.
You could actually be doing yourself a disservice, because if you’re constantly worrying about what people think of you and, importantly, whether they like you, you could be at risk of people-pleasing.
Instead, you could try asking yourself ‘how important to me is it that this person likes me?‘, so you can monitor your own response.
Because, really, who cares if you’re palatable? You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, which is exactly what Fearne Cotton recently discovered.
‘Last year I had a bit of a wake-up call,’ Fearne told her Instagram followers.
‘When I was chatting to my therapist, I was probably overthinking what I was saying massively, and she caught me off guard by asking me this question: “How important is it to you [that] I like you?”‘
Fearne added that she was even more taken aback by her reaction, as she started to cry, realising that this struck a chord with her.
Her whole life, she’d been people-pleasing and was always worried about other people’s opinions. But really, they shouldn’t matter.
It’s a little surprise, either. People-pleasing is a relatively common experience, as one 2024 YouGov study found that 48% of people would actively describe themselves as a people-pleaser. Unsurprisingly, women are more likely to be one than men (52% versus 44%), while the odds increase with age (common among 50% of those aged 45 and older).
As Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic tells Metro, perpetually wondering whether other people like you is ‘less about vanity and more about sensitivity.’
She explains: ‘People who frequently worry about whether they’re liked tend to be highly attuned to others and keen to maintain harmony. It reflects a deeper need for reassurance, rather than anything superficial.’
She says that while it’s healthy to embark on a little bit of self-reflection, when the question becomes constant, it can drain your emotional energy.
‘If you’re monitoring every interaction for signs of approval or rejection, it can pull you out of the moment and create unnecessary anxiety. Over time, it may also stop you from showing up authentically,’ she says.
Why do we care so much in the first place? As with most things in psychology, it’s usually down to our childhood, as Dr Elena explains that it can develop early on.
‘If approval felt tied to safety, love or belonging growing up, the brain learns that being liked equals security,’ she adds.
‘In adulthood, that can show up as people-pleasing at work or in friendships, even when there’s no real risk in being disagreed with. It’s an old emotional pattern being replayed.’
Psychotherapist Eloise Skinner adds that people pleasing can actually separate us from our ‘deeper and more authentic sense of self,’ as it means we’re ‘shaping our lives in accordance with other people’s preferences and values.’
It also ‘weakens our connection to ourselves, and we could also lose a sense of autonomy and self-determination when it comes to our lives.’
So, if all of this resonates with you, 2026 should be about gently de-centring other people’s thoughts. Dr Elena says that they’ll always matter to some extent simply because we’re ‘social beings’ with beating hearts, but ‘when they become the main measure of self-worth, it can be destabilising.’
It might also be less about asking yourself this question, and more about reframing it to: ‘Do I feel comfortable being myself here?’
This is a small, subtle change that ‘brings the focus back to your own experience,’ and can mark the beginning of setting healthier boundaries.
‘Decentring others’ opinions doesn’t mean not caring at all, it means learning to value your own perspective alongside theirs,’ she concludes.
‘People-pleasing often comes at the cost of exhaustion, resentment and blurred boundaries. Saying yes when you mean no, or prioritising others’ comfort over your own, can increase stress and lower self-esteem. Over time, it can make it harder to know what you actually want or need.’
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