I’m a regular guy — but I’m worried I’ll get dumped over my secret obsession

If you can’t share parts of yourself with your partner, they might not be the right one for you.

This week’s reader has a secret — a particular ‘obsession’ that is causing him to experience feelings of guilt and shame.

He’s nervous about sharing with his girlfriend in case she walks away from the relationship, but what seems to be the biggest problem is that he is unable to accept himself fully and be okay with who he is.

Check out the advice below, but before you go, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from another reader who’s become far too comfortable with lying to her partner.

The problem…

I feel really weird and pervy saying this, but I love wearing my girlfriend’s knickers when she isn’t around. Although I never let is show, I’m obsessed with them and look forward to her weekends away or late nights out, when I can put them on under my trousers.

She wears really nice lingerie and I love the feeling of silk and lace next to my skin; wearing men’s underwear just doesn’t compare.

In every other way I’m a regular guy – I have a good job, I’m fit and not bad looking – and I honestly don’t understand where this obsession came from. I’ve often thought about it, but I just don’t know what sparked this fantasy I’ve had since I was about 14.

I told my last partner about my secret and it really freaked her out. We broke up eventually (for a variety of reasons) and now I’m nervous about confiding in my current girlfriend in case she has a similar reaction.

What I would really like to do is somehow lose this obsession, although I’ve tried without success so far. I honestly do worry that there’s something wrong with me because no one else thinks the way I do.

What advice would you give to this week’s reader?Comment Now

The advice

How do you know no one else thinks the way you do? On the contrary, I promise you that there are other guys out there who like wearing women’s underwear. It may not be something you discuss down the pub, but it definitely doesn’t make you ‘weird and pervy’.

Men may like dressing in female lingerie for a number of reasons; whether it’s exploring a new side of yourself, entering into a form of escapism, or simply liking the feeling of the fabric against your skin. If you’ve been experiencing feelings like these for some time, it’s not such a huge jump to have the underwear on your own body rather than hers.

That said, the word ‘obsession’ is quite strong and would indicate this is more of a fetish than a casual pastime. You don’t talk about sex specifically, but maybe your hobby is something that gives you an exciting sexual kick you feel you can’t be open about.

You might benefit from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – not to stop you wanting to wear women’s underwear, but to make you feel okay about it. Talking it through with someone might allow you to reach a point where you accept that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with your particular desire, and that the right partner wouldn’t push you away because of it.

You’re really not harming anyone, but it is deceitful to your girlfriend when something so important is kept hidden away. If she can’t cope with what is after all only a small part of your character, then perhaps she’s not the person for you.

There are girls out there who will be accepting about your behaviour, and that’s probably the sort you need to be with. Meanwhile, stop wearing your partner’s undies and buy some of your own. There are many websites that will sell your size and provide what you like to wear, so you won’t need to sneak around in someone else’s lingerie.

Of everything you’ve said in your email, that’s the part that feels most wrong!

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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