After years of grief, night shifts, new parenthood and sheer exhaustion, Sally McIlhone finally turned to her GP for help last spring.
She explained that the weight of stress and feeling overwhelmed had become too much, and at 40, Sally was prescribed the antidepressant sertraline – something she’d long resisted.
It turned out to be a lifechanging moment.
Five years earlier, Sally met her husband Paul, then a police officer, just before lockdown. But their relationship was immediately tested by heartbreak: an ectopic pregnancy in 2020, followed by months of fertility treatment. When they finally welcomed their son, they weren’t prepared for how tough early parenthood would be.
‘Paul was doing nights, we weren’t sleeping, and I was having to juggle everything,’ Sally, from Hampshire, tells Metro. ‘It affected our relationship and him mentally.’
Managing his role alongside having a new family was untenable and Paul ended up leaving the police. However, further devastation followed, when a year ago, the couple went through an incredibly traumatic few months that not only saw them lose their baby girl at 16 weeks, but also find out that Paul’s father had terminal cancer.
On top of that, the family had moved house, while Paul was diagnosed with PTSD. Sally describes the time as feeling like they were being buffeted from tragedy to tragedy.
‘I was taking on more and more of the household and parenting responsibilities, trying to keep all these plates spinning when I was drowning,’ the marketing manager from Hampshire remembers. ‘I was probably underestimating how depressed I was.’
At their lowest point, both she and Paul both threatened to leave the marriage. ‘We were arguing a lot and sleeping in separate rooms,’ Sally explains.
It was a brutal time, where she felt like she ‘was at the bottom of a pit with no hope of getting out’. When Sally finally sought help from her doctor, she prescribed sertraline, a common antidepressant from the SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) class. However, she was hesitant to take the first dose, as stigma and other people’s opinions clouded her judgement.
Instead, she reached out on Instagram, asking: ‘Where my sertraline girls at? I’ve got questions.’
The response floored her. ‘So many friends and colleagues came out and said they’d been on it. People I never would have guessed. Some said it didn’t work for them, others said it was a game changer.’
Sally decided to give the pills a go and after after a few weeks of nausea and sleeplessness, she felt something shift. ‘As soon as it kicked in, I felt so much better,’ she remembers. ‘I thought – Why hadn’t I done this years ago? There’s this myth that enduring pain makes us stronger, but actually it can just wear away at you.’
The effect of the medication was like ‘turning off half the TVs in my brain’, Sally recalls. ‘Before, I’d overanalyse everything. If people didn’t text me back, I’d spiral. Now I just care less. I don’t obsess. I don’t feel the need to make everyone like me.’
And the change had a ‘huge impact’ on her marriage, she adds.
‘We communicate in a way that’s not as reactive. We give each other space when we’re pissed off. We don’t bite. We’re calmer,’ explains Sally. ‘He’ll hold my hand, give me a hug. He tells me I’m beautiful, that he loves me. That’s made such a difference.’
While she’d read that sexual side effects of SSRIs can be problematic for people on antidepressants, Sally insists she found the contrary. Their sex life, once a casualty of stress and grief, has since flourished. ‘It’s been the direct opposite of what I feared. Because we’re communicating and I feel emotionally safe, I feel sexual again and confident,’ she says.
‘We talk about what we want, and we’ve found that spark again. It doesn’t have to be lingerie and fantasy. It’s about being close, feeling loved, and wanting each other.
‘Paul’s the best sex I’ve ever had. He knows what to do and he knows my body. He knows what works for me and I’m glad to have that back. I feel like a better version of myself,’ she says. ‘This is the version I’ve always wanted to be.’
Some might say that Sally was fortunate, as new research from sexual wellness brand Lovehoney has found more than half of anti-depressant users experience sexual dysfunction, with millions of British experiencing low libido and difficulty reaching orgasm. Two in five (40%) people on antidepressants are having less sex overall and 42% say they masturbate less frequently than before, according to the data.
With roughly one in six adults in England (8.89 million) currently taking prescribed antidepressants, it equates to more than 4.6 million people experiencing reduced sexual desire as part of their treatment, the findings add.
It’s something Chris Glennon can relate to, as he’s been taking anti-depressants in various forms for nearly 20 years to manage the symptoms of depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.
As a result, he has suffered from a lack of sex drive, erectile dysfunction, numbness and loss of feeling.
‘It was so frustrating and those side effects impacted my mood and self esteem, because you feel the measure of a man is how you perform sexually. And when I did come, it felt like the censored version. Nothing like how it usually felt,’ housing worker Chris, 46, explains.
Although he has also been prescribed Viagra, which he says helped a little, it hasn’t been a cure-all.
‘I still wanted sex. It wasn’t that sort of primeval of desire for it. But [with Viagra] it’s like having a metal rod, there’s still no feeling,’ Chris tells Metro. ‘It felt like having sex with someone else’s body. The girls I have been with loved it because it was great, and it did last quite a long time, but for me it was so numb often I wouldn’t come at all.’
The sexual side effects have affected all his romantic relationships, Chris adds.
‘Having just met someone and having to explain to someone with a high sex drive that you don’t want sex – they do take it personally,’ he admits. ‘In the past that definitely put a strain on things. Some girls just didn’t understand and took it like a rejection.’
His current girlfriend has been patient and pragmatic. When Chris stopped medication for a few months, sex felt vivid again but following a severe dip in mood and therefore a new prescription, his libido dropped again.
‘The times that I stopped taking it was like a lovely treat, because it feels like a release. It’s like the shackles have been taken off, you feel like a teenager again,’ he explains.
Chris is keen to talk to other men about the issue, as he knows how difficult it can be to bring up sexual side effects at the start of a relationship or in a GP appointment.
His advice is to push past the discomfort.
‘The conversations that you’ll have are far less awkward and embarrassing than you’d expect. Give it a try – the alternative is just accepting your fate as it is,’ he adds.
‘There is help out there, and there are professionals to talk to. SSRIs aren’t for everyone, but they’re not the only option. Therapy that can really help, either alongside or on its own. Just to speak to people about how you’re feeling, because it can only help.’
How to talk to your doctor about your sex life and antidepressants
Lovehoney’s sexual function expert GP Dr Anand Patel says sexual side effects are well-known but rarely discussed openly: ‘Antidepressants work by boosting serotonin levels, which can help lift mood and ease anxiety. But serotonin can also slow down the brain’s arousal and reward systems, meaning reduced desire, dulled pleasure and delayed orgasm.
‘The good news is that for most people, these effects are temporary and manageable. With the right medical support – such as dose adjustments, medication changes or therapy – sexual wellbeing can absolutely be restored.’
Top tips:
1. Don’t be afraid to have a conversation with your doctor. Remember that this is common. You can simply say: ‘I’ve noticed some changes in my sex drive since starting this medication, is that something we can talk about?’
2. Know what questions to ask your healthcare provider if you are being prescribed anti-depressants. Questions like: ‘How likely is this medication to affect my sex drive?’, ‘Are there alternatives?’, and ‘If I notice changes, what should I do?’ are completely valid.
3. Regular exercise, good sleep, stress management, mindfulness and relationship therapy can all help improve libido while continuing antidepressant treatment for those looking at lifestyle changes first.
