Couples ‘riding the escalator’ might be ruining their sex lives

When it comes to sex, there’s no shortage of ways to spice up your time in the bedroom with plenty of new positions to try, toys to test out, and kinks to explore.

However, many couples are guilty of following an ‘unspoken script’ when getting intimate and simply going through the motions of how they think sex is supposed to go.

Sex and intimacy coach, Hannah Johnson, who is better known online as ‘The Libido Fairy’, has coined a term for this, which she calls ‘the escalator’.

And she claims that couples who are always ‘riding the escalator’ might be ruining their sex life, without even realising it.

What is the escalator theory?

According to Hannah, the escalator theory is the idea that intimacy moves in a ‘straight, linear progression’.

This typically starts with kissing, then moves on to touching, oral, penetration and ends with an orgasm.

‘You start at the bottom of the escalator and feel like you’re supposed to ride it all the way to the top every time, whether you’re fully present, turned on, or not,’ the 33-year-old tells Metro.

We end up doing it this way because these steps feel ‘efficient and familiar’ and there’s often an unspoken belief that penetration is meant to be ‘the main event’ and climax is the ‘goal’ of sex.

It’s also the order in which we’re used to seeing sex happen in movies and porn, and it’s what many of us were taught to do in sex education.

How does riding the escalator impact your sex life?

Where this becomes an issue is when it becomes the ‘default pattern’ in your relationship, as it can actually have a big impact on your levels of desire.

‘The escalator prioritises penetration and completion of a script over genuine connection and creativity in the bedroom,’ Hannah explains. ‘It’s typically more problematic for women than men for several reasons.’

For most women, desire isn’t something you can turn on like a light switch; it’s responsive, contextual and can be highly influenced by safety, novelty, and pleasure.

So, when sex becomes predictable, and you rush through the steps to get to the ‘main event’, desire starts to drop.

‘Desire is motivated by how much satisfaction comes from an experience and how much you’re predicting the next one will create,’ Hannah says.

‘Eventually, the body learns: this isn’t that pleasurable for me, so it stops getting excited in the first place.’

As a sex coach, Hannah has worked with many couples stuck on the escalator, and says they often report that sex starts to feel like ‘a chore’ or an ‘obligation’.

Her female clients also confessed feeling pressure to ‘finish’ even when they weren’t enjoying themselves, which led to them faking orgasms.

Some partners had even stopped communicating their needs and desires altogether, as it felt ‘awkward’ to interrupt the script, and they didn’t want to ‘kill the mood’.

If you’re in this position too, it’s worth being honest with your partner about it, as resentment can easily build if it begins to feel like one person’s pleasure is prioritised over others.

For women, it’s likely the case that more foreplay is needed, as women’s bodies are thought to require around 20 to 40 minutes to reach ‘peak arousal’.

‘Research consistently shows that around 70 to 75% of women do not orgasm from penetration alone. That means the majority of women require clitoral stimulation, extended touch, and gradual build-up to experience pleasure and climax,’ Hannah states.

‘When couples stay on the escalator, they often unintentionally remove the very activities that support women’s arousal – things like slow touch, making out, oral sex, teasing, and emotional presence. 

‘If you don’t spend time on this, sex can feel neutral at best, or uncomfortable and painful at worst.’

She adds: ‘This is one of the biggest reasons women in long-term relationships report low libido… It’s not because they don’t like sex, but because the version of sex they’re having doesn’t feel good.’

How can you get off the escalator?

The biggest change to make is moving from goal-oriented sex to pleasure-oriented intimacy, Hannah advises.

The key is letting go of the idea that every sexual interaction has to include penetration, and starting to really value arousal. You’ll also want to work on giving yourself time to pause, change direction or stop completely, as well as playing and experimenting more in the bedroom.

Instead of riding the escalator, have fun and ‘play pinball’ with your partner, by bouncing around between different forms of intimacy, based on what feels good in the moment.

The crucial thing to remember is that with this way of doing things, there’s no hierarchy and no finish line – you’re just having fun, and everything is optional.

Examples of ‘pinballing’ include switching between making out, oral sex, grinding or dry humping, massage, using hands or toys, taking breaks to cuddle, laugh or hydrate, and circling back to something you’d enjoyed earlier.

Hannah’s top tip for giving this to go is to make a ‘sex menu’ of things you and your partner want to try, with items to use for experimentation.

She adds: ‘Pinball naturally decentres penetration and puts pleasure back at the centre.

‘It reduces pressure and expectation for performance or for things to go perfectly, and keeps you in the moment instead of zoning out on autopilot.

‘This is how you create a fun and vibrant sex life.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Comments Add as preferred source