Oshiomhole and the South African Mgbeke, by Ugoji Egbujo

I pity Oshiomhole. At 73, our grandfathers had young wives. The culture of polygamy permitted them to keep a harem to cater to all their fantasies. They probably believed a touch of  nubility was needed to soothe aging nerves and joints, especially when the gaze of the older wives had shifted to their grandchildren. But Western civilisation turned up and upturned that order. Now a full-fledged Chief cannot travel in peace with a damsel without having to tell tales to placate ranting meddlesome kids on social media in order to preserve his hard-earned reputation.

But I blame Oshiomhole. Most Nigerian politicians know how to tell disarming lies. And when they can’t lie effortlessly, they hire sharp and astute liars as personal advisers. It was heartbreaking to see Oshiomhole literally writhing like a rat in a trap and his men digging a hole in a vain attempt to free him. His team should have done  better than the hurried dismissal of the viral video of their principal in a precarious situation with a South African lady as AI-generated. What was the point? The South African lady had posted the video on her Instagram page, all but confirming the truth of her encounter with the senator. Many Oshiomhole fans had initially gone into the trenches arguing that  he had the license to massage the feet of his Cape Verdean wife even in a church. How could Oshiomhole’s men then say the video was the fake handiwork of their political enemies? That amateurish defense has put the chief in a tight corner. Didn’t they expect idle fact-checkers to pounce? Private jets have documented flight histories and passenger manifests. Why didn’t these overzealous PR novices leave some wiggle room for Chief? The girl has now told Nigerians who besieged her page to spare her, to hold Chief responsible, to pour their opprobrium on him, not her. Chief deserves better protection. He is a national asset.

Fake news and AI are real problems . But when Nigerian politicians keep hiding behind them to dodge scandals, that itself becomes scandalous.  One cheeky fellow suggested Chief could have claimed he hired the foreign adult content creator to help Nigeria push back against American Christian-Genocide pressure—maybe because of her big social media following and South Africa’s track record of standing up to outside meddling. It wouldn’t have convinced everyone, but it would have shown more creativity. In the old days, politicians blamed the media for quoting them out of context. Now, with cameras everywhere, the go-to excuse is to call videos AI fakes. Still, I believe Oshiomhole. He has earned his stripes as a tailor, labour leader,  politician and elder statesman. But it seems he’s also skilled at massage. Otherwise why would these AI troublemakers pick him, of all people, to star in a foot-rubbing scene? The lady’s provocative Instagram images and her casual admission only make Chief’s  story harder to swallow.

But believe Chief Oshiomhole. He is a man of integrity. If he wanted to spice things up, he would have picked a Nigerian slay queen. He is a Made-in-Nigeria advocate. He wouldn’t risk looking like he has a predilection for foreign women—that would hurt his laudable patriotic image. Take the lady who asked Burna Boy for a Lamborghini: curvaceous, with lush feet to match. Or Eminado, since she is now willing to be part of a harem—her feet might even deserve proper distinguished attention. If the revered Chief  wanted fair-skinned, yellow-pepper variety, Nigeria has them in abundance. We cant be importing rice and be importing sugar babies. Why go far when he has it all in Auchi and Abuja, right in his shokoto?

As for how the young lady’s leg ended up on Chief’s lap—that has to be the work of clever AI creators. Why would a seasoned comrade do that in plain view of the cabin crew, when he carries himself like a Pentecostal General Overseer in Nigerian politics? Chief deserves our respect. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He fought for the return of democracy. The Bible tells us to honour our elders. So no need to dig into that video. His expression in it is that of a man under a spell, drooling a little, in the throes of muted passion while giving a girl a sensuous rub. It was a bit much. We must trust the distinguished Chief. He is a father figure and elder statesman. The video has to be AI.

These are some of the problems with the foreign breed.  If Chief had hired a Nigerian Sugar Baby, she wouldn’t have dared put her legs on his lap in public, even if she was dying of spasms. I understand the occasional pull for an interaction with other cultures. The issue is that some of these exotic breeds  call grandfathers by their first names without hesitation. Little wonder after enjoying the privilege of putting her legs on Chief’s laps, she had the audacity to post the video on social media without regard for Chief’s status in the society and his enviable long-standing reputation as a man of moral rectitude? No, I don’t believe it happened. Like she doesn’t have a family to hide sh*t from? That has to be the work of Artificial Intelligence. Real intelligence comes with caution, circumspection and decorum.

Some say Chief should have ignored it completely. Scandals here rarely last more than two weeks. Nigerians move on when the next thing hits. No need to call it AI and  attract sharper eyes and more attention. Plus, the girl could come out with more evidence to trouble Chief soon.  Lying low while the storm passes makes sense. When an American girl posted the naked butt of a Nigerian billionaire, the man didn’t drag it for too long and Nigerians forgot in a fortnight. When photos of a Yobe senator arranging a threesome in a hotel went viral, he ducked and said nothing—the story died fast. The snag here is that Chief Oshiomhole has spent his life projecting good character. A man like that shouldn’t be seen, even in a dream or movie, fiddling with the foot of an exotic sugar baby. But I love Chief. So even if every fact-checker says it’s real, I still believe him: it wasn’t him.

A truly cunning politician would have told a better story. For a video this clear—with an identifiable, talkative bird right there—AI was the wrong defence. Granted Gandollar once used the AI story to confuse Buhari over bribe dollars stuffed in an agbada. Perhaps only Buhari bought that tale. So AI is sometimes less efficient than silence.  If Oshiomhole’s team had just stayed silent a few more days, like Wike did when Sowore washed the minister’s dirty linen in public, they wouldn’t have needed this AI fig leaf. Now the youths are calling it the worst lie of the century

Chief Oshiomhole is a national icon. Reuben Abati said the man should be allowed to enjoy the benefit of his good health and uncommon virilty. I think we must protect him at all costs from local and foreign predators.

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