Tis the season to fall for an emotionally unavailable ‘project’ of a man

Christmas truly is the season to meet an emotionally unavailable, anti-social heart throb, who has never bent for anyone and think: ‘I can change him.’

There’s something about going out in your hometown, locking eyes with the insufferable former-captain of the school football team, who has never formed a meaningful relationship with anyone, and suddenly questioning why you never made out with him before.

Or maybe it’s the overly-competitive colleague who steamrolls your ideas? Normally the thought of getting into bed with them would give you hives, but at the Christmas party, you wonder if they’re just misunderstood?

It goes without saying, the morally grey anti-hero is a quintessential staple of the festive period, like Christmas trees or midnight mass, and so is the young man or woman who inevitably believes they can fix them.

People have long-since written about their infatuation with The Grinch and the snarky wit and 6’5 height that gives him undeniable sex appeal, even though he wants to steal Christmas. (If Martha May Whovier can give him the benefit of the doubt, can’t we?)

It’s not long ago I shared my fascination with Scrooge and his ‘Bah humbug’ revulsion for the holidays. He’s aloof, emotionally unavailable and downright grumpy. My bread and butter.

Not convinced? Take Harry Burns from When Harry Met Sally, a cynical New Yorker who believes men and women can’t be friends, until meticulous blonde optimist Sally Albright finally changes everything.

But if it was any other time of year, would Sally have persevered with Harry, or would she have fobbed him off as hard work? Would the idea of Scrooge be as alluring if Christmas spirit wasn’t on the line?

Why do we think we can fix people at Christmas?

‘It may be that over Christmas we have more time on our hands, or possibly there is a loneliness the festive season can bring – the idea of “perfection” we see on TV adverts being a tempting (if inaccurate) incentive,’ British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy therapist Clare Pattinson tells Metro.

But it’s not just the Waitrose Christmas advert or the carollers in the street that make us feel like we can cure someone’s stubborn personality.

‘It can be very appealing to feel we can “fix” someone as it can give us a sense of power, control, or even meaning in our lives, especially if we consider this as being in the other person’s best interest,’ Clare explains.

‘We then feel good about ourselves, because we feel we’re making someone’s life better.

Psychotherapist Eloise Skinner agrees, telling Metro: ‘At Christmas, we might be feeling particularly nostalgic, sentimental, relaxed – or simply just have more free time to dedicate to this type of thinking.’

She adds that we could be particularly prone to this if we held a caring or responsibility-focused role during our upbringing.

Clare even suggests trying to change people can distract from our own lives. ‘Perhaps we find it hard to control what is going on in ourselves, so changing someone “out there” can distract us from facing our own feelings and lack of autonomy,’ she says.

I don’t know about you but these feelings are always exacerbated back home where our exes and family are.

But should we try to ‘fix’ people?

It can be so tempting to think we can write our own Emily Henry-worthy meet cute by changing the sexy local walking red flag into our dream partner.

But, just because it sounds like a good idea after several mulled wines, doesn’t mean it is.

‘There will always be unfulfilled expectations in a “project” relationship,’ Clare explains. ‘If two people meet in the hope that someday the other partner will be who they want them to be, there is already a dynamic of lack.

‘This energy can be hard to transform during the relationship – in seeing there was never a need to change the other.

‘The idea of the other person changing is the glue that held it together.’

For psychotherapist Eloise, the healthy components of stable and sustainable relationships are ‘reciprocal dialogue between partners, a sense of shared respect, integrity and personal dignity’.

‘To try to “fix” someone within a relationship context would significantly shift this balance.’

The moral of this Christmas story?

Don’t bother.

It’s as simple as that. Could you imagine how rubbish you’d feel going into New Year 2026 with the self-inflicted heartache of being snubbed by someone you thought ‘needed work’? We owe it to ourselves to start 2026 with a clean slate.

As Clare puts it, ‘we don’t seek healthy relationships out of a place of lack or neediness, it’s when something clicks, feels natural or familiar’.

Instead, hold out for romance like Jude Law and Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, or the enduring love of George and Mary Bailey in It’s A Wonderful Life.

Yes, loves like those might seem rare, but a Christmas miracle might just happen.

‘In the meantime we should be accepting people as they are, and working on ourselves,’ Clare adds.

So use those days off over the holidays to fix yourself, rather than the Scrooges and the Harrys. Merry Christmas.

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