My husband is paunchy and unattractive — when we have sex I think of his best friend

This week’s reader has a life many might feel envious of.

At 54, she’s enjoyed a long, happy marriage, is close to her son, and has three beautiful grandchildren.

But behind closed doors, she’s feeling unfulfilled and has began harbouring a crush on someone that, if found out, would certainly cause some drama.

Does she act on her feelings and potentially blow up her life for no reason? Or stay in a relationship that she realises may not be bringing her true happiness?

Check out our expert’s advice below, but before you go, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from a reader who is pregnant with her selfish ex’s baby.

The problem…

I’m a 54-year-old woman who has been fairly happily married for 28 years, with a grown-up son and three gorgeous grandchildren. I live in a detached house in an affluent area, go on a couple of nice holidays every year, drive an expensive car, and have a good social life. 

And even after all this time together, my husband and I still have an active sex life. 

So, I’ve really nothing to complain about and know I should be grateful for the wonderful hand I’ve been dealt. 

Yet deep down, I’m still unsettled because I’m not with the man of my dreams. In fact, when my husband makes love to me, I’m always thinking of this other guy, and imagining it’s him in bed with me. 

This man is a close friend of my husband and I’ve known him for over 20 years. He has never met the right woman and perhaps because of that, has tried to stay young and desirable – unlike my husband who’s allowed himself to become paunchy and unattractive over the years. 

We’ve always been good friends and I’ve nursed his broken heart more than once. We’ve never kissed (except in my imagination) and my husband doesn’t seem to notice how close we are. 

I realise I’m old enough to know better, and it would devastate a lot of people if we ran away together. 

What advice would you give this week’s reader? Comment Now

The advice

Since you’ve never even kissed this man, talk of running away together might be a little premature. Please take a step back and think about the reality of your situation before you take things any further. 

You’ve been with your husband a long time, and maybe life between the two of you has become a little predictable and humdrum. For you to fantasise about someone else is understandable, but acting on that fantasy would be very different and may not end with the results you hope for.

I can’t help thinking that if you were meant to be together, your dream lover would have made a move by now; telling him how you really feel would be taking a huge gamble, and may even cost you a special friendship. 

On the other hand, let’s imagine he feels the way you do, and you both decide to take the plunge. It’s quite possible that your relationship wouldn’t survive once you were together every day and you may live to regret the pain you caused not just to other people, but to yourself too. 

As you rightly say, you have a lot to be thankful for, so please think very hard before you put your lovely life at risk.

Don’t forget this guy is your husband’s friend and that’s where his loyalties may lie. If he tells your husband what you’ve shared with him, you’re going to have more than a little explaining to do. 

The other, and perhaps more sensible route, would be to work on your marriage. It sounds like some couples counselling may be overdue; Google what’s available in your area.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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