I’m single, gay – and about to spend my first Christmas with my son

Racing to untangle fairy lights and hang baubles on my brand new Christmas tree last week, I was suddenly hit by how surreal this moment was.

Last year I’d leisurely decorated the tree with friends while having a few drinks, now I had just 90 minutes to decorate it before my 18-month-old son woke from his afternoon nap.

My son. That’s still such a surreal thing to say, not just because it’s been a year-long adoption process, but because, as a single gay man, I wasn’t sure if I would ever have children.

I knew that I was attracted to men from a young age, but the thought of ‘coming out’ frightened the life out of me – there was no gay representation at my school, I didn’t know anyone gay, and gay marriage wasn’t even legal 20 years ago – so I spent many years agonising over my sexuality as a result.

Then, when I was around 18-years-old, I realised that I wanted to be a dad. However, I had no concept how I could be a dad as an openly gay man. Families with same-sex parents were unheard of where I grew up, and I think this pushed me firmly back into the closet for a further three or four years.

It was only after falling head over heels for a colleague at the age of 23, that I was finally able to embrace my true self. 

Love and marriage followed soon after, as did conversations about starting a family through adoption. It seemed all my fears had vanished and family life was going to happen for me after all.

Unfortunately though, after five years together, my husband and I decided to divorce and I truly believed that this meant my chances of having a family had significantly diminished. I never considered that it would be possible as a single man. 

Instead, I spent the next 13 years happily solo, living a fulfilling life with lots of travel and success in my work. I figured a family would come once I found a partner who shared my values.

But in summer 2024 something shifted when, shortly after finishing renovating my dream house, four of my oldest and best friends, and their 18-month-old children, came to visit from Dubai.

Over those two months we watched the Sing movies on repeat, went to umpteen soft-play sessions and even celebrated their first birthdays. Suddenly, with toys scattered everywhere and two toddlers running amuck, my dream house became a home. 

When they left in September, my house just didn’t feel the same. The urge to become a father, that I had been suppressing for over 20 years, was now stronger than ever.

That was the moment I decided to explore having children alone. It was time.

However, with the big 4-0 around the corner, and the reservations about my options as a single, gay man still present in my mind, I had no idea how on earth to start.

Was this something I could do alone? Was it even possible? I genuinely had not heard of a solo male adopter.

After much research and many chats with several agencies – and some words of support from my parents who were extremely excited at the prospect of a new grandchild – I had my first call with Adoption Matters in November 2024.

From the very first call, Adoption Matters never questioned my suitability to adopt based on my being single, male, and gay. Their team offered a safe and caring space to talk openly, and I found the whole process overwhelmingly supportive.

What followed was a lot of admin: risk assessments, dog assessments (to see how your dog behaves around adults and children) and a mountain of forms to complete.

After that was all successfully signed off, I had five days of adopter preparation training – where we covered everything from why children enter care to their specific needs due to early trauma and therapeutic parenting.

During that time I was also given access to a national adoption software system that has the powerful stories of literally hundreds of children who are waiting for adoption.

I ended up reading 312 profiles, and the very first child I ‘bookmarked’ to look at again later was a little boy named Freddie* who, according to his profile, ‘loves to sing at the top of his voice around the supermarket.’

I decided, on Father’s Day of all days, that I really wanted to pursue adopting Freddie.

After many discussions, lots of visits at home from my social worker, and assessing my Prospective Adopters Report – a detailed report compiled by the many months of paperwork, references, checks, social worker visits and interviews – it was agreed that I could proceed further. 

Just a month or so later, Freddie and I met for the first time at a bump-in meeting – a short, informal encounter designed to feel like a chance meeting rather than a formal introduction – at a music group.

I will never forget the second he walked around the corner with his foster carer: His face was beaming and, as he had learned to walk just a few weeks before, he immediately started running around stealing everyone’s instruments.

He was a real cheeky chappy and when he ran over to hand me a tambourine, the connection was instant – and I told the matching panel as much when they asked me why I felt Freddie was the child for me.

Thankfully, the panel were incredibly supportive of the match and I received a unanimous ‘yes’ meaning I could begin to formalise things.

I then had two weeks of transitions to take over the parenting of Freddie, the first week based in the foster carers home; the second week, with daily visits to my home that got progressively longer until he moved in.

It felt very natural and my bond with Freddie got stronger by the day – helped hugely by Freddie’s foster carers. They guided us through that fortnight, and their genuine love for Freddie, plus their advice for me, made us both feel so supported. Good foster carers make the world of difference in an adoption.

Freddie finally moved in with me in October. The first fortnight was hard – I spent my days running after him because I was scared he would fall or hurt himself and my nights checking on him – but every week thereafter it got so much easier.

He is already such an amazing, tenacious, funny, and oh-so-loving 18-month-old and he brings my family, friends and I so much joy and happiness. That’s why I knew I had to make this Christmas, our first as a family of two, as special as possible.

When he woke from his nap (90 minutes on the dot) and I brought him downstairs to see the Christmas tree for the first time, he looked at it with genuine happiness, excitement and intrigue – that’s a moment that will stay with me forever.

I’m so excited for our first visit to see Santa, a trip to Lapland UK, to put carrots out for Rudolph and see his face on Christmas morning. It’s going to be beyond magical.

But when it comes to presents, I can confidently say that Freddie is the best gift I could ever have asked for.

*Names have been changed

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