Marty Mar, 45, and wife Brandi, 42, might not reflect your average married couple – but their love story is one for the ages.
The pair met at a barbecue in 2008 when they were both in their 20s, and despite the fact Marty was openly gay, the pair quickly became ‘inseparable’.
He was honest with Brandi about his sexuality from the start, but as they grew closer and began to fall in love, Marty ‘assumed’ this meant he was attracted to women too.
‘Somehow we just kept choosing each other,’ says the technology director, from Phoenix, Arizona. ‘I came out as only being attracted to men, but I was drawn to her.’
The feeling was mutual, and senior loans officer Brandi ‘doubled down’ on their love, making it clear to everyone in her life that she had chosen Marty as her partner.
The couple got married in 2011, had a baby together, and never looked back – until a day in 2020 changed everything.
During the pandemic, while scrolling on the ‘queer side of TikTok’, Marty realised that he was ‘still gay’ after all. And after sharing this with Brandi, it became clear that their relationship would need to change.
‘When I came out the second time, there was an adjustment period where she had to fall out of love with me in that way,’ he says.
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‘We stopped having sex, moved into separate rooms and later separate floors, but we never stopped being a family.’
The couple chose to continue living under the same roof, and have spent the years prioritising their 14-year-old daughter London, who Marty says has been ‘incredibly supportive’ of both her parents.
‘We didn’t want her world to fall apart,’ he adds. ‘She’s grown up seeing her parents sleep in different rooms but still show up together every day.’
Marty and Brandi also decided not to divorce, instead opting to live in a ‘lavender marriage’ – a heterosexual partnership where one or both parties are same-sex attracted.
On the outside, the pair’s lifestyle may seem confusing, but Marty says that going their separate ways didn’t feel right.
‘We have a home, a daughter, investments, shared history – she’s my person and my emergency contact,’ he explains.
‘Most people who really know us envy what we have, because our relationship is solid and full of respect. We’re truly best friends, and for our daughter, it means we’re still a family.’
‘People think marriage is about sex, but there are at least 10 different kinds of intimacy.’
In an attempt to educate others about their unconventional setup, Marty has been vocal on social media, claiming ‘most traditional marriages are soft launch lies,’ and lavender marriages are considered more taboo than issues ‘cheating, lying, or emotional neglect.’
‘Are you mad at this because it’s wrong, or because it’s exposing the deal that you silently accepted,’ he says in one video. ‘Because pretending is socially acceptable, telling the truth is what people cannot handle.’
While he’s had to combat some abuse online, he’s also received a number of messages from people who say his story of self-acceptance helped them deal with their own issues.
‘For the first time in my life, I love who I am,’ he adds. ‘My family matters more to me than running around looking for sex, and if I’m showing people a new way to live, that feels incredible.’
His page has also become an outlet for Marty to speak openly about trauma and sexual assault in his past – something that made intimacy with men difficult for years and delayed his coming out.
In terms of dating, it certainly isn’t a priority for the couple right now; in the past three years Marty has been on one and Brandi none.
‘When you’ve been together 17 years, dating isn’t a yearning, it’s something you have to prioritise,’ says Marty. ‘You have to make space for it properly, which isn’t easy with jobs, a teenager and businesses.’
Instead, they’re more focused on planning how they’re going to stay intertwined and how they can accommodate their unconventional family.
Marty continues: ‘We’re looking at building a house further out of town that’s L-shaped, where our spaces interlink. We’d have shared areas and a backyard and pool, but separate driveways and independence, so we can open our lives up while staying connected.’
It’s been a big adjustment after a decade together, but Marty highlights that he never married Brandi to deceive her, but because the love was real, – even if the shape of it changed since.
‘I wasn’t trying to escape to another life,’ he adds. ‘I just wanted to finally live in my truth and somehow we’re still doing that together.’
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