What if video game locations had Internet reviews – Reader’s Feature

Video game worlds may look amazing but actually living in them, and meeting their inhabitants, would be pretty awful in real-life, as one reader illustrates.

I thought I’d take a tongue in cheek look at how Internet reviews might go for video game locations and characters if they were posted to TripAdvisor or Airbnb. I’ve omitted the names of the games/characters. See if you can guess who/what they relate to. I’ll give the answers at the end.

1. ‘Perhaps it’s my fault for visiting a city named after an animal that’s primarily known for eating litter, either way I wouldn’t visit again. The city is empty and lifeless and most shops are closed. The one shop that was open, the owner tried to bite me! I went to the local police station to make a complaint, and they didn’t seem to care they just groaned and shuffled about aimlessly. And to add insult to injury a guy in a trench coat and fedora barged me out of the way! Avoid!’

2. ‘I had high expectations for this local family run plumbing service. My first impressions were good; they arrived on time, wearing very smart red and green uniforms. However, that’s where it went downhill. The taller, skinnier brother was quite shy and reserved. However, the other brother was very loud, and no lie jumped all over the mushrooms I’d planted. He also was adamant that his girlfriend was a princess and no, not a term of endearment, he meant a literal princess. However, he said her pet lizard kept getting in the way of their relationship. I don’t think I’ll be using them again.’

3. ‘The stately home we rented for the weekend was beautiful and well kept. The location was perfect. However, I’m sorry to say the owner was less than ideal. She came back from her trip away early and spent most of her time taking great joy in trapping her elderly butler in her walk-in fridge. Other times she would take pride in showing off some modelling photos she took for a lad’s magazine in her younger years. Also, I don’t want to make accusations but some of my jewellery went missing. Great home, shame about the owner.’

4. ‘The tree surgeon that came to chop down our tree was slightly gruff and physically imposing. However, once you got past his tough exterior it was clear to see he was a softie at heart and he spent time telling me about his travels in Greece and various Scandinavian countries. And his axe was very impressive; it chopped through my tree in no time at all. My only criticism is I wish he didn’t call me ‘boy’ so much.’

5. ‘Our visit to the city of the future was frankly a bewildering experience. This might sound like I’m losing my mind, but I saw people with blurry faces without any obvious features, people seemingly disappearing through walls, people standing perfectly still with arms outstretched like they are on an imaginary cross, men just walking around with their genitals exposed. Oh, and flying cars. Perhaps on reflection I shouldn’t have taken that Diazepam before the flight.’

Answers:

1. Resident Evil series
2. Super Mario Bros. series
3. Tomb Raider series
4. God Of War
5. Cyberpunk 2077 (specifically the doomed PlayStation 4 launch version)

By reader matc7884

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