I’ve been having mind-blowing sex with a woman for months – my boyfriend is clueless

The truth eventually always comes to the surface, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

This week’s Sex Column reader has been harbouring a big secret for months now – and with her relationship and entire future on the line, it doesn’t sound like she has any intention of fessing up.

She’s been lying to her boyfriend and sneaking around with a girl she has no plans on committing to. Surely it will all end in tears?

Check out the advice below, but before you go, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from another reader who was struggling to face up to the truth.

The problem…

I’m a 26-year-old female who’s been dating guys since I was 16 and I’ve never considered myself to be gay. For the last three years I’ve been with the same boyfriend and we intend to marry at some point in the future. 

Last summer a new gym opened near me and I signed up for aqua aerobics, which I really enjoy. I became friendly with a girl about my age and we got into the habit of having a coffee after our class. She made no secret of the fact that she was gay and had just come out of a long relationship. 

We discovered we had a lot in common – we like the same music, love going to art galleries and have the same fashion sense. At first, I felt like I’d just found a best friend. 

About six weeks after we met, she invited me to her flat for dinner. As I got ready, I must admit it felt like I was getting dressed up for a date. I made an extra effort with my hair and makeup, made sure I was wearing matching underwear and to tell the truth, I had butterflies in my stomach. It’s like I knew what was going to happen.

When I got to her place, she looked amazing; it’s no exaggeration to say she took my breath away. I tried to act cool and we had a lovely evening with plenty to drink – till, of course, one thing led to another and we had sex like I’ve never known. 

I’ve now been having a secret affair with her for six months and think about her all the time. My boyfriend suspects there’s something wrong and has accused me of seeing another guy, which of course I’ve denied. 

I know you’ll say that cheating’s cheating, but I still see a future with my boyfriend and don’t consider myself gay. It’s just the sex that’s mind-blowing – I honestly can’t see me sharing my entire life with another woman. 

What advice would you give this week’s reader?Comment Now

The advice…

Well, yes, you took the words right out of my mouth – cheating is cheating, no matter who it’s with. It goes without saying that this is unfair on your boyfriend, but it’s also unfair on you because this double life you’re leading is preventing you from working out who you really are.

Don’t look at this situation in terms of whether you’re gay or straight, the fact is that by your own admission, you think of this girl ‘all the time’ – which limits the amount of thought and consideration you can give to your boyfriend. Trying not to obsess over her is only likely to increase your preoccupation.

Maybe you were brought up in a household where you didn’t feel like you could explore your sexuality, and that’s why you cling to this semi-relationship with your boyfriend. Dig deep and be honest with yourself; a therapist will help winkle out the truth.

Remember that marrying someone isn’t just a romantic act, it’s also a decision to commit yourself to that person and that relationship completely.

It really doesn’t sound as though you’re ready to commit. And until you figure out what you really want, I think the kindest thing you can do is to be honest with your boyfriend, and end things.

As much as it might hurt him, it’ll hurt much more in the future when he discovers you’re cheating – as he’s sure to eventually do.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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