Donald Trump has now installed descriptive plaques under all the portraits that line his “Presidential Walk of Fame” in the White House. If you wonder whether they are petty, but also deeply strange and erratically capitalized, the answer is: Yes! Of course!
Surely they cannot really be that bad, you say. All right. See if you can guess the real ones! Then scroll to the bottom for the answer key.
25. Joseph Biden: Nicknamed both “Sleepy” and “Crooked,” Joe Biden was dominated by his Radical Left handlers. They and their allies in the Fake News Media attempted to cover up his severe mental decline, and his unprecedented use of the Autopen.
24. Barack Obama: Barack Hussein Obama was the first Black President, a community organizer, one term Senator from Illinois, and one of the most divisive political figures in American History. As President, he passed the highly ineffective “Unaffordable” Care Act, resulting in his party losing control of both Houses of Congress, and the Election of the largest House Republican majority since 1946.
23. George W. Bush: President Bush created the Department of Homeland Security, but started wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, both of which should not have happened.
22. John F. Kennedy: Kennedy suffered a painful setback during the failed Bay of Pigs Invasion, and was President when the Soviet Union built the Berlin Wall, but skillfully navigated the threat of nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
21. Harry S. Truman: Harry S. Truman dropped the nuclear bombs. The Fat Man and the Little Boy. Boy, was that a mistake! If Donald Trump dropped a bomb he would make certain it was an elegant, slim bomb. He would also come up with a different name for the plane.
20. Herbert Hoover: A self-made man who rose from humble beginnings, Herbert Hoover was a successful mining engineer who became known as the “Great Humanitarian.”
19. Warren G. Harding: Right out of central casting, this guy! Groundbreaking in many ways. Those letters he sent to his mistress. Hot to trot, this guy! Jerry. We’re not allowed to talk about Jerry nowadays. The Ohio Gang. Teapot Dome. Teapot Dome, what happened to Teapot Dome? You never see any Teapot Domes anymore. Warren “Gamaliel” Harding. What a name! Gamaliel, Gamaliel, like some elf from Lord of the Rings. But he was a president, not an elf! Maybe better to be an elf. Then he could have gone into the West instead of dying in office. Better luck next time, Gamaliel.
18. Woodrow Wilson: On the one hand, he did the League of Nations, but on the other hand, he used to show Birth of a Nation in the White House and he segregated the federal government. This just goes to show there are good and bad sides to everyone. Thank goodness we never got into the League of Nations.
17. Theodore Roosevelt: Speak softly and carry a big stick was Theodore Roosevelt’s idea of a good foreign policy, which is only “good” if you have a weak voice and want your arm to get really tired. Can you imagine? You sit down with Vladimir Putin and he says, Who is that guy in the corner whispering with the stick? I guess it was a different time. Yet they gave him the Nobel Peace Prize?
16. William McKinley: What do you say about William McKinley?
15. Grover Cleveland: We love Grover Cleveland! He was president once and then he came back, which Donald Trump would also do, but better. He married his ward. Donald Trump hasn’t done that yet. But that ward wasn’t the only love of his life. “Ma, ma, where is my pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!” That’s what they sang. Gone to the White House! They didn’t care about the illegitimate child. “Ha ha ha!” We need a song like that. America doesn’t make songs like that anymore.
14. James Garfield: Some say Charles Guiteau assassinated him, but actually the doctors killed him. Not Charlie, sad to say! It wasn’t Charles Guiteau who did it. Guiteau, Git-Out, that’s what they called him at the Oneida Free Love Colony. He wanted some of that free love but his energy was just bad. And Garfield paid the price!
13. Rutherford B. Hayes: Boy, they had a lot of these guys with beards! Even the voters took one look at this little guy and said, Nah, we want to go with Samuel Tilden. Poor Sammy Tilden. Didn’t have what it took. He won the popular vote, but they gave the election to Hayes in the so-called Corrupt Bargain of 1876! At least they ended Reconstruction, which, frankly, never should have happened. But they didn’t get rid of the Fourteenth Amendment. Donald Trump has to do it himself.
12. Ulysses S. Grant: He beat the late, great Robert E. Lee. “Never fight uphill, me boys!” Was it fair and square? Hard to know. But they put him on the money. Not such a good president. He didn’t have great people around him. Sad.
11. Andrew Johnson: Some say he was drunk at inauguration. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. Did you know they impeached him? Crooked Thaddeus Stevens and his Radical Republican cronies! They didn’t like old Andy J. They never like the Andrews. Jackson, Johnson, they’re not big fans. Issued a lot of great pardons, though. They said, Don’t do the pardons, Mr. Johnson. These men are traitors! They fought against the Union! They were begging him, Don’t do the pardons. But he did the pardons anyway. Good!
10. Abraham Lincoln: Lincoln succeeded for numerous reasons. He was a man who was of great intelligence, but he was also a man that did something that was a very vital thing to do at that time. Ten years before or 20 years before, what he was doing would never have even been thought possible. So he did something that was a very important thing to do, and especially at that time.
9. James Buchanan: Donald Trump has a little bit of affection for James Buchanan because as long as Buchanan is on the list of presidents, they can never put Trump last. Instead it’s little Jimmy B., or as Andrew Jackson called him, “Miss Nancy.” Not so nice of Andrew Jackson!
8. Franklin Pierce: Franklin Pierce! “We Polked You in ’44, We Shall Pierce You in ’52!” They don’t make slogans like that anymore, because of Woke.
7. Zachary Taylor: They called him a war hero but he got defeated by cherries. By cherries and a little bit of milk. Mexican War couldn’t do it, but a little tiny fruit, that got him. George Washington defeated the cherry, but Zachary Taylor, not so much. So-called general who was weaker than fruit.
6. William Henry Harrison: Gave such a long inaugural address that he died! Donald J. Trump gave a much longer address and did not die. Tippecanoe didn’t have what it takes! “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too,” that’s a slogan for you. You feel a little bad for Tyler, the way they tacked him on there at the end.
5. Andrew Jackson: “Old Hickory” served as a U. S. Congressman, Judge, General, Senator, and Military Governor. Before becoming President, Jackson was best known for leading the victory at the Battle of New Orleans during the War of 1812. Jackson was often called “The People’s President” for championing the common man, but was unjustifiably treated unfairly by the Press, but not as viciously and unfairly as President Abraham Lincoln and President Donald J. Trump would, in the future, be.
4. James Monroe: Tall guy, but weird-looking. They say he ushered in the “Era of Good Feelings,” actually very BAD feelings for the Federalists! We love the Monroe Doctrine, though. And his wife was very good in Some Like It Hot.
3. James Madison: Presided over a little demolition at the White House but not on purpose. The British paid for it. Liddle Jemmy!
2. Thomas Jefferson: The Declaration of Independence, very overrated! Very overrated document. “Transported beyond seas for pretended offenses”? Sometimes you have to transport people beyond seas for pretended offenses. “Quartering troops”? Sometimes it’s nice to quarter a little troop. He didn’t get it.
1. George Washington: We like that he put his name on all the things: the monument, the city, even a state. Now if you put your name on the things, they say it’s tacky, but with him, not so much! The name wasn’t enough; he’s also on a bill and a coin. Two different forms of legal tender. Not the penny, fortunately, which is trash.
Real: 5, 20, 22, 23, 24, 25
Fake: 1–4, 6–19, 21
(No. 10 is a real quote from the president, but not on the plaque as far as I know.)
