What age did you lose your virginity?
In the UK, men typically have sex for the first time at 18, while for women it’s 17 — but around 5% of Brits are 25 or older before they lose their V card.
Comedian Jimmy Carr recently revealed to Louis Theroux that he lost his virginity at the age of 26.
‘I was enmeshed with my mother and maybe that was, you know, a part of it. I’m sure that’s what a psychotherapist would say,’ he says on The Louis Theroux podcast.
He continued: ‘I was a religious guy growing up, a Christian, and then I had a close relationship with my mother.’
From religious beliefs to differing priorities, there are several factors that mean people choose to wait to have sex.
Here, experts explain why some may bloom a little later than others.
Different priorities
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Having sex for the first time, especially when it seems like all your peers are at it, is a priority for some. For example, our recent How I Do It diarist, 23-year-old Hannah, was fed up of feeling like the odd one out in her friendship group.
But others aren’t so bothered, and have goals they might value more.
‘An individual might feel as though they want to wait until they have achieved certain personal aims like moving out,’ Psychotherapist Eloise Skinner tells Metro.
‘If they’re sharing accommodation with others or family, it may make it difficult to bring a partner back for sex.’
Other priorities could include hitting personal health goals or financial ambitions before turning to the world of intimacy and relationships.
Mothers
Jimmy Carr mentions his close relationship with his mother as a primary reason he lost his virginity eight years later than the UK average, and BACP therapist Clare Patterson agrees this Freudian concept can certainly be a factor.
‘Sometimes men are seeking a “perfect” connection, such as the one children may have with their mother — where their needs and desires are taken care of perhaps with little effort on their part,’ Clare tells Metro.
‘Having a partner to do everything for them is sometimes the child part seeking a mother to make them feel safe and secure. But true intimacy comes from being autonomous and independent in oneself.
‘Until this happens, it is difficult to find someone who feels “good enough” out there. The “ideal woman” is often a childhood fantasy.’
Parental relationships can also have an impact; if children are taught to view sex as shameful or scary, for example, Clare says this can lead to confusion and low self worth.
It’s also important to note that childhood trauma, particularly childhood sexual abuse, will have a profound effect on an individual’s relationship with sex as they move into adulthood.
Religious beliefs
Jimmy said his Christian upbringing played a factor when deciding when to have sex. Religions like Islam, Judaism, Sikhism and Hinduism all suggest sex before marriage should be avoided.
And psychotherapist Eloise agrees that religious or cultural values are likely to ‘shape a person’s perspective on sex’.
‘They may be more inclined to wait until they find a meaningful partner, or until the relationship feels like something they want to commit to,’ she explains.
This past year has seen a ‘quiet revival’ for the Church, spearheaded by Gen Z (those aged between 13 and 28), according to a new report by the Bible Society, based on data from YouGov.
The research found that church attendance is on the rise. In 2018, just 4% of people aged 18 to 24 said they went to church at least monthly, but flash forward to today and this figure is now 16% — making them the second most likely age group to attend church regularly.
In particular, there’s been an increase in the number of young men going to church, with just 4% going in 2018, but 21% going today.
Fear of failure
‘Another reason may be the fear of “getting it wrong”,’ therapist Clare suggests.
She explains sex has become so ‘glamourised’ in our society that it’s resulted in a fear of failure.
‘The pressure this creates can feel intolerable, and so some men may prefer to avoid it altogether at risk of being exposed as somehow “less of a man” if they should try and “fail”,’ Clare says.
Struggling to connect
Dating apps are also hindering us (surprise, surprise).
‘It can be easier to stick to digital connections — which can often provide a sense of validation and satisfaction,’ Eloise explains.
‘An individual might feel as though they don’t need additional intimacy or connection, or it might just seem easier to stay chatting to many people online, without having the practical challenges (and emotional intensity) of meeting them in person.’
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