I discovered my girlfriend’s secret 400 days ago — I haven’t had sex since

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Miley*, a 28-year-old ‘chronically single’ assistant working in Cardiff.

She’s a lesbian who currently isn’t having sex, although she masturbates regularly.

‘My relationship with sex is slightly awkward, but it’s getting better as I’m getting older,’ Miley says. ‘I used to sleep with men even though I wasn’t sexually attracted to them, just to feel good.

‘Now I’ve come out, I have more control over my sex life as I’m fulfilled in all other aspects of my life, so I’m not drawn towards toxic people.’

Despite being content and not necessarily missing sex, she would like to start being intimate with someone again soon.

So without further ado, here’s how Miley got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Saturday

I don’t know how many times heterosexual people have told me: ‘I wish I was queer, dating a woman must be so much easier.’

This time it’s a random woman out on a hen-do, shouting it into my ear in my local queer bar.

I’ve always known I was a lesbian, but I was a victim of ‘compulsory heterosexuality’. I’m originally from a small town in the valleys, and I didn’t understand femme girls like me could also be gay.

So, I slept with men but fantasised about women. Then, once I moved to Cardiff eight years ago, my world was opened and I’ve proudly been a lesbian ever since.

However, the idea that dating women is ‘easier’ couldn’t be less true. Sleeping with any guy who gave me attention was simple: I felt powerful, and didn’t care. But sex with women involves feelings, and I get emotionally attached so quickly.

I dance the night away, while my friends hook up with guys.

It’s then I make the decision to become more active in my dating life again.

Sunday

I wake up feeling groggy from one too many sambucas last night. After a very slow morning, I meet up with my friend for a dog walk.

After telling me in-depth about her current situationship and how they currently have sex five times a week, she admits he still refuses to meet any of her friends or see her during the day.

She’s too excited when I share the news I’m ready to make a Hinge account, and I get that nervous feeling in my stomach that I’m about to become yet another persons ‘project.’ At least she doesn’t hit me with the ‘it will come when you least expect it’ line.

Regardless, we sit in a cafe and begin the horrifically cringe process of selecting the right photos and funny, yet nonchalant prompts to make myself appear fun, but not desperate.

I have the perfect Sunday evening, binge watching real housewives and eating Chinese takeaway, before finishing by masturbating with my beloved clit-sucking vibrator. It’s my most treasured and used possession, giving me multiple orgasms a week.

Monday

My alarm goes off, and straight away I check my phone to see if I have any Hinge notifications.

I’ve not had sex for more than 400 days, after finding out that my last girlfriend of two years, had a secret girlfriend.

I learnt the truth after receiving the dreaded ‘hey babe’ message from the ‘other girlfriend’, informing me we were dating the same person. It wrecked me, realising that trust can mean nothing. You never really know someone.

Looking on Hinge, I’ve matched with someone who seems to be my type. She loves hiking, anything outdoors related, and is a brunette femme. I’m just a typical femme for femme girly.

For the first time in ages I’m starting to feel a little bit excited about the idea of dating again. I’m completely done with finding pen pals on an app, so I send a message asking if she wants to go for a drink this week.

After, I turn off notifications from the app so that I can focus on my day. Just the thrill of sending the message, and that feeling of going out of my comfort zone again, makes me horny.

I arrive home from work and the gym, and spend an hour masturbating using my same trusty toy. My favourite position is to get into the bridge with my hips thrust in the air, and completely zone out and relax, which is a tried and tested technique for orgasming quickly.

Then I head to bed, with my most recent smutty romance book.

Tuesday

On my lunch break at work I get a new message from my Hinge match, agreeing to a date.

We decide to meet up for a drink after work tomorrow, and I’m excited but also horrifically nervous.

It definitely feels weird to even have the idea of having sex with a stranger re-enter my thought process, I haven’t focused on it for such a long time, and it’s not anything I’ve deeply missed.

I enjoy sex when I’m having it, but if I’m without it, I’m more than happy to crack on with my usual life, and still feel happy and content.

I end the day without any masturbation, just mindlessly scrolling through Instagram reels, trying to distract myself.

Wednesday

I wake up earlier than usual, and get out my vibrator to have a morning orgasm. I love pleasuring myself, it makes me feel so proud as it’s something my younger closested-self could never imagine happening.

For so many years, I thought pleasure was solely for men, but now I can give myself an orgasm in under five minutes.

The day goes quickly, and before I know it I’m walking towards my date.

I get a tingle in the lower part of my stomach and remind myself not to fall into old habits of just sleeping with anyone. It’s never made me feel amazing in the past, I’ve learnt it’s important for me to sleep with someone I genuinely find exciting or interesting, instead of someone who just thinks I’m hot.

The date goes well, and ends with an agreement to meet up again on Friday for a gig. We both go home separately after sharing a steamy kiss, pushed up against the side of the pub.

I feel elated to be kissing someone again after so long, it does boost my self confidence to know I’ve still got it.

I head home feeling incredibly horny, for what feels like the first time in months, and pleasure myself multiple times, replaying the kiss in my head.

Thursday

Every Thursday I play football after work, then two of my closest team mates, who also happen to be a couple, usually come back to mine for some food and a catch up.

As I’m serving up the weekly pad Thai, the inevitable question about my dating life comes up.

They’re over the moon to discover I’ve actually begun dating again, and I tell them all about the kiss. They give me the classic spiel about not falling into the typical lesbian stereotype of moving in with this girl after the second date.

However, they also explicitly encourage me to take the leap to try and break my sexual dry spell. I lie in bed re-thinking their advice to be confident and take the lead. Eventually I’m too tired to think about possible ways to ask my date back to mine. and fall asleep.

Friday

The gig turns out to be an Adele tribute act, not quite the vibe we were going for. However, it’s almost perfect as the strangeness of it makes us both feel at ease and gives us something to laugh about.

The conversation is flowing and we’re both very tactile with one another, kissing a few times before deciding to call it a night. As we walk out of the venue, I decide to take her hand and ask if she wants to come back to mine.

She seems delighted and we quickly hurry home. There’s nothing more awkward than when a date first comes back to yours, and you both have to pretend that you’re not thinking of sex.

She compliments my pillows before I can’t take it anymore, and ask if she wants to spend the night. We take off our clothes – it’s extremely sexy and intimate. I then begin slightly playing with her nipples as we spoon each other.

She turns to me and asks if it’s okay if we don’t have sex, but just hug and lightly touch each other, as she’s also trying to learn the art of taking things slow.

Although I’ve been hoping to break the dry spell, it’s so relaxing and intimate to just be back in bed with someone once again.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Comments Add as preferred source