9 warning signs your partner’s going to cheat, before they actually do

Particularly if they’ve been caught out, a cheater may tell you their infidelity ‘just happened’ — but the truth is, it rarely comes out of the blue.

Many people look elsewhere when they’re unhappy at home. In fact, ‘my partner stopped paying attention to me’, ‘I was having doubts about my relationship’, and ‘my partner and I weren’t having sex’ are among the top justifications they give for doing so.

And while this doesn’t mean the victim is to blame, it does highlight that there are often indications things may be headed in that direction, even if nothing has actually happened yet.

‘Infidelity isn’t about sex; it’s about distance, secrecy, and unspoken dissatisfaction,’ James Sexton, divorce lawyer and author of How Not to F*ck Up Your Marriage, tells Metro.

‘By the time someone walks into my office, it’s already too late. The real work happens long before that, when the warning signs are still whispers instead of proof.’

There are of course exceptions to every rule, and nobody can predict the future. But if you know the red flags, you can address underlying issues early — and either save the relationship, or at least avoid being blindsided.

Relationship apathy

Does your partner seem ‘all in’ or are they merely going through the motions? If it’s the latter, it could mean they’re on track to straying.

‘We need to be relatively checked out of our current relationship to be considering cheating,’ attachment-based psychotherapist Charisse Cooke, tells Metro.

She explains that this apathy may present as ‘indifference, emotional withdrawal, detachment and an overall lack of interest.’

Essentially, they’re not actively hurting you, but they’re not putting in any effort to improve the relationship either.

Cultivating a new, separate life

You may also notice them becoming distant in a more logistical sense, making plans without you, spending more time at work or with friends, and just generally living life as though you’re not part of it.

James says: ‘I’ve had countless clients sit across from me and say, “I didn’t think they were cheating — I just felt like I wasn’t really in their life anymore.” Every single time, that instinct turned out to be important.

‘Cheating usually begins with a quiet decision: I don’t have to fully share my life with my partner anymore. Once that door opens, the rest follows more easily than people want to admit.’

What do you think are the most common signs someone might be unfaithful in a relationship?Comment Now

Yolanda Renteria, licensed professional counsellor and somatic
therapist, agrees with this, noting that while independence is important, this kind of detachment from a partner usually suggests they’re ‘happier when you’re not around.’

‘When your partner stops including you in anything they do, they are starting to build a new life that doesn’t include you,’ she tells Metro.

‘They are finding themselves, exploring who they are outside of the relationship, and also meeting people who are more aligned with that new version of them.’

Privacy turns into secrecy

You may think a partner being secretive is a sign they’re already cheating, but according to James, it can be a way for them to erode trust with a view to playing away further down the line.

‘One client of mine told me she started apologising every time she asked who her husband was texting — not because she was wrong, but because he trained her to feel embarrassed for asking,’ he says. ‘When the affair eventually came out, the secrecy had been there for over a year.’

Look out for them being guarded with their phone, refusing to tell you things, or becoming irritated (rather than offering reassurance) when you ask innocent questions.

Increased criticism

‘When your partner is distancing themselves from you, whether it is because they already have someone in their life or they are comparing you to others they like more, you will notice they become highly critical of everything you do,’ explains Yoland.

Perhaps it’s the way you dress, the way you behave, your interests, or life goals. But either way, you start to find yourself feeling inadequate or not good enough.

In Yolanda’s view, this can be a way for a partner to ‘deal with the emotions from the changes they are making’, and attempt to ‘reduce their guilt about not being as interested in you.’

Charisse also notes that potential cheaters may take on ‘unreasonable, and critical behaviour that deflects away from their own wrongdoing, and trying to somehow excuse their infidelity (or thoughts of it).’

‘They want their partner to end the relationship so they’re not seen as the “bad one”,’ she adds.

Their best energy is no longer reserved for you

Infidelity can be a gradual process, and as they say, the grass is greenest where it’s watered.

James warns a partner may start giving their ‘best side’ – such as enthusiasm, jokes, and warmth – to someone else before taking the leap physically.

He explains: ‘I once represented a man who swore he hadn’t cheated — yet. But he was spending hours every night messaging a colleague while barely speaking to his wife. When I asked him who knew about his day, his fears, his frustrations, the answer wasn’t his spouse.’

Yolanda, author of upcoming book Attuned and Attached: Heal Your Relationship with Yourself and Others to Create Lasting Connections, also says uncharacteristic excitement about a new person in their life can be a precursor — even if it first appears innocent.

‘Your partner might start sharing with you how good this person is, their qualities, maybe even how good this person is to their partner if they are in a relationship,’ she says. ‘It usually means there is something missing in your relationship or the spark needs to be re-ignited.’

History is rewritten

James says: ‘When someone is gearing up to cheat — or already has — they often start rewriting the story of your relationship.

‘Suddenly the relationship was “never that good.” You were “always incompatible.” They’ve “been unhappy for years,” even if this is news to you.’

He’s seen this ’emotional accounting’ – where people try to create past issues to justify what they plan to do in future – play out dozens of times, saying: ‘The cheating partner presents the affair as an inevitable outcome rather than a series of choices. It’s easier to betray someone if you first convince yourself they were never really right for you.’

Wanting to try new things sexually

In Charisse’s experience, ‘sexual expression is a big part of cheating, and if someone is ramping up to cheating, often there will be a significant amount of fantasy taking place.’

She continues: ‘People might become more sexually motivated, masturbating more, and being more passionate and experimental during sex. This can reveal certain kinds of porn use, new fantasies taking place and a new sexual desire inspired by someone else.’

A newfound desire isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If it seems out of character or is combined with other issues mentioned here though, it could be more sinister.

White lies

‘Big betrayals almost never arrive without small lies warming up the room first,’ says James.

These are usually nothing major; it may be the likes of where they were, who they were with, or why something took longer than expected. However, it’s ‘a growing pattern of half-truths and omissions’ designed to normalise lying ahead of going further.

James adds: ‘Once honesty becomes optional, fidelity is already on shaky ground.’

Paradoxical niceness 

The last sign of a potential cheat is likely the most confusing.

Charisse, whose book The Attachment Solution, explores how to create more secure, fulfilling relationships, explains: ‘The guilt of having a roaming eye or plans to cheat can often make a person’s behaviour extra nice and accommodating.

‘They might be strangely more attentive and permission-seeking, because they’re planning a significant breach of trust, and will unconsciously be over-correcting or overplaying being “a good partner” to negate their guilty conscience.’

Again, niceness on its own is nothing to worry about (in fact, it’s a plus). However, when it’s newly ramped-up, seems performative, and is accompanied by other signs, it’s potentially something to be wary of.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Comments Add as preferred source