My girlfriend earns more than me and it’s ruining our relationship

According to recent research, wage disparity starts to create problems for a relationship at around the £7,600 mark.

Despite this, the average salary difference between UK partners now sits at £32,000, which means a whole lot of couples across the country questioning who pays for what or who’s not putting in their fair share.

Among them is this week’s Money Problem reader, 37-year-old Adam from Ealing, whose girlfriend’s income eclipses his own by ‘a lot’.

Feeling emasculated and struggling to keep up, he reached out to Metro consumer champion, Sarah Davidson, for some outside input.

The question…

I’m 37 and work in London for a big international bank in their middle office. I’m not a banker, more of a project manager, so I’m not being paid the insane bonuses that the guys doing the trading get.

I met my girlfriend at work and we’ve been together for just under two years. I love her and we’re happy together but I’m really struggling to cope with the fact that she earns more than me. A lot more. And she’s 32 so it’s only going to get worse as she gets promoted.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me and I am proud of her success but it’s just so emasculating. It’s also causing arguments more and more.

She wants us to go out to fancy dinners and clubs and spend hundreds of pounds on nights out. I can’t afford to keep up but I’m not happy with her paying for me.

It’s ruining our relationship. I don’t want to break up but I don’t want to be this bitter, jealous man either.

The answer…

Oh Adam, you and all the other boyfriends whose female partners enjoy professional success that ‘outshines’ your own.

There is so much to unravel here and 99% of it has absolutely nothing to do with money.

The language you use is very, very telling: ‘The guys doing the trading,’ her scaling the ladder at work being ‘worse’ for you, ’emasculating’,you’re ‘not happy’ with her paying.

I will give you one concession. At least you recognise you’re bitter and jealous.

This entire moan is about you. It’s about how you feel and how you think other people are judging you.

I can’t guess at the reasons for this, as they’re almost certainly very personal and complicated. But what I can observe is that you’re succumbing to the deeply ingrained social norms that say men should be the providers.

How would you feel if you were the higher earner and you wanted to take her out and pick up the tab? You’d probably, from the sound of what you value, feel extremely pleased with yourself. So why is it okay for you to do and feel that but not okay for her to

Relationships are about two people; talking, compromising, figuring hard stuff out together. They require partners to support one another in a whole range of ways – emotionally, physically and, yes, sometimes financially.

You need to take a step back and work out exactly what your problem is here. Personally, I don’t think it’s that you earn less than her.

You both work in a bank and are almost certainly both earning way over what the rest of us consider reasonable. Your issue is with your perceived position in your relationship. You’ve created a hierarchy and put a pound sign on it.

This isn’t about money though. This is about confidence, something I am sad to say you’re lacking. Banking is notoriously competitive and careers, self-worth and even popularity are often defined by pay packets.

Your girlfriend isn’t doing anything wrong. She’s just enjoying the life she’s chosen. You, on the other hand, are not enjoying the life you’ve chosen.

If winning is what matters to you, change the game.

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