This is the one thing an end-of-life care Chaplain says to do before you die

Ex-nurse Carol Tefler has supported countless people through their final moments and says there’s something really important she wished people knew to do before they die.

‘It’s the one thing I find really sad’, says Carol, who has worked in end-of-life care since 2020 when she joined Marie Curie in Glasgow.

‘I had a patient who came in and said “I really want to do a memory box for both of my children”.

‘They were so keen and I offered to help, but then they said “I just don’t feel up to it today Carol, can you come back tomorrow?”

‘At the time, they said ‘if I do nothing else, I want to do that for my children, I want to leave that for them to remember me by.

‘But they put it off and put it off, and then eventually it was too late – they just didn’t have the energy to do it.

‘They passed away without it being done.’

The impact of saving memories

‘People are often fearful that their family will forget them, that they will move on. That’s why memory boxes are so important,’ Carol tells Metro.

‘Patients themselves get a lot of satisfaction from leaving a message for their loved ones.’

One of the reasons she believes they are so vital is because end of life care can be full of the unknown, and making a memory box offers patients a vital sense of control.

However, they aren’t just for those who are dying — they are just as much – ‘if not more’ – for their loved ones, adds Carol.

‘I’ve seen family members who found memory boxes, and that’s so powerful for them. They can’t believe their loved one took the time to do that, so they have something to keep, moving forward.’

Leaving memories behind

Carol says there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to making a memory box – the contents all come down to personal choice.

‘People will sometimes want to put photographs in or they will put in something that’s precious to them,’ she explains. ‘It’s often an item that’s significant to the family.’

The chaplain recalls one woman who left a memory box with a sherbet lemon in, for her daughter to remember her favourite sweet.

‘They can be full of silly little things,’ she says. ‘A man never without tissues left a packet of them in there.’

Patients often write letters, adds Carol, particularly for loved ones to open on special occasions in the future.

‘I’ve had people write cards for babies that weren’t born yet,’ she explains. ‘We had had one lady who wrote 35 birthday cards for her daughter because she wanted her to have a birthday card up to her 70th birthday.’

One man took a different approach, filling a jar with ‘things he wanted his granddaughter to know about him as she got older’.

When should you give a memory box?

In Carol’s experience, most people leave them behind to be found after they have reached the end of their life.

‘They don’t want to make a big thing about giving it, but they want to make sure that their family will find it,’ she says.

‘When they do, I say “You might not feel ready to open it just now, but it’s something that your mum or your dad’s left for you because they want to leave you some messages.”

‘That really captures their emotions.’

Preparation is key

Carol adds that ‘people should absolutely start thinking about memory boxes, even if they are not in end of life care.

‘My colleagues all laugh at me because I’ve done them for my three kids and husband.

‘Everybody dies. So why not plan for it? We plan for birthdays, we plan for weddings, we plan for all sorts of celebrations, but we don’t take the time to plan for our death.

‘Why not make it a celebration of you, and leave your family with messages to let them know how much you loved them. There’s no regrets from anybody then.’

If you or anyone you know has any questions or needs to speak to someone, you can call the Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309 for free between 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, and 10am to 4pm on Saturdays.

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