RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet

WASHINGTON—In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one’s ass across carpet. “Doctors won’t tell you this, but you don’t need medication for a tapeworm—all you need is the natural power of friction,” Kennedy said as he dropped to the floor, lifted his legs high, and dragged his ass along the White House carpet during a press conference. “Big pharma will urge you to paralyze the tapeworm with dangerous, addictive drugs we don’t know anything about, but they just want to keep you infected with tapeworms so you become dependent on them. Just raise your legs to make sure your anus comes in direct contact with the carpet, then use your arms to propel yourself forward. It’s the natural way people used to get rid of tapeworms back in the ’60s and ’70s before the health-industrial complex corrupted everything. I’ve been doing it every week for years to take care of my constant anal swelling.” Kennedy added that peer-reviewed scientific journals have been involved in a massive conspiracy to cover up his research on ass-scooting and have constantly rejected all the photos he’s sent them proving it works.

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